How Can I Help?
A friend has died. Regardless of the age or the circumstances of death, as a person wishing to give support, you feel empty and helpless. What can you say that will ease the pain and help to mend the hurts?
What Can You Do to Help?
There are no easy answers, no standard approaches that are universally helpful. There are no magic formulas that will make the pain go away. It is natural to feel helpless when the a friend or relative dies. Remember that showing your loving concern can be very comforting to a grieving family. Please don’t avoid them because you feel inadequate. Families are more likely to reach a healthy, positive resolution of their grief if they receive continuing support and understanding. The following suggestions may help you provide that support:
— Don’t try to find magic words that will take away the pain. There aren’t any. A hug, a touch, and a simple, “I’m so sorry,” offer real comfort and support.
— Don’t be afraid to cry. Your tears are a tribute to both the individual and the family. Yes, the they may cry with you, but their tears can be a healthy release.
— Avoid saying, “I know how you feel.” It is very difficult to comprehend the depth of the loss when a loved one dies, and to say you do may seem presumptuous.
— Avoid using “It was God’s will” and other clichés that attempt to minimize or explain the death. Don’t try to find something positive in the death, There are no words that make it all right that their loved one has died.
— Listen! Let them express the anger, the questions, the pain, the disbelief, and the guilt they may be experiencing. Understand that families often have a need to talk about the person and the circumstances of the death over and over again. It may be helpful to encourage them to talk by asking a gentle question such as, “Can you tell me about it?”
— Avoid judgments of any kind. “You should . . .” or “You shouldn’t . . .” is not appropriate or helpful. Decisions and behaviors related to displaying or removing photographs, reliving the death, idealizing the person, or expressing anger, depression, or guilt may appear extreme in many cases. These behavior patterns are normal, particularly in the first years following the death.
— Be there. Run errands, help with household chores, provide child care, and help in whatever way is needed. Don’t say, “Call me if there is anything I can do.” That call will probably never come. Be aware of what needs to be done and offer to do specific tasks.
— Give special attention to children. They are hurt, confused, and often ignored. Don’t assume they are not hurting because they do not express their feelings. Many times children will suppress their grief to avoid adding to their parents’ pain. Talk to them and acknowledge their loss.
— Mention the name of the person who has died. Don’t fear that talking about them will cause additional pain. The opposite is usually true. Using mentioning the person’s name lets the family know that they are not alone and allows them to remember them.
— Be patient. Understand that grieving family members respond differently to their pain. Some verbalize, others may seem unable or unwilling to talk, some withdraw, and others strike out angrily.
— Sharing fond memories through statements such as “I remember when she . . .” or “He had a wonderful gift for . . .”. Relate amusing anecdotes about the person. Don’t be afraid of laughter. It helps to heal the hurt.
— Remember the family on important days such as birthdays and death anniversaries. Send a card, call, or visit. Let them know you remember, too.
— Gently encourage a return to outside activities. Suggest a lunch or movie as relief from the isolation of grief. If your invitation is declined, don’t give up! Ask again and again, if necessary. The third or fourth time you call may be just the day that an outing would be welcome if someone took the initiative.
— There is no standard timetable for recovery. Grief usually lasts far longer than anyone expects. Encourage bereaved families to be patient with themselves. They often hear, “Get on with your life; it’s time you got over this!” Those demands are unfair and unrealistic. When friends express concern about being tired, depressed, angry, tearful, unable to concentrate, or are unwilling to get back into life’s routines, reassure them that grief work takes time and that they may be expecting too much of themselves too soon.
— Be sensitive to the changes a bereaved family experiences. Family members will adopt new behaviors and roles as they learn to live without the person. This is a painful and lengthy process. Don’t expect your friends to be unchanged by this experience.
—Continue your contact with the family. Grief does not end at the funeral or on the first anniversary. Stay in touch often, and in conversation, as easily as you would mention any other member of the family, don’t forget to mention the name of the person who died.
The Compassionate Friends
Heartlight, Ann & Robert H. Lurie Children’s Hospital of Chicago
225 East Chicago Ave., Box 274, Chicago, IL 60611-2605
heartlight@luriechildrens.org 312-227-3930
